


It's Not Gay If It's A Cover For My Secret Identity (yes it is)

by Cinnamon_Anemone



Series: Tony Stark Bingo (2019-2020) [3]
Category: Iron Man: Armored Adventures, Marvel
Genre: Bisexual Tony Stark, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Identity Porn, M/M, Puppy Love, Secret Identity Fail, Teenage Drama, Tony Stark is an idiot, ah to be young and hormonal and incredibly stupid
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-04 11:15:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20470109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cinnamon_Anemone/pseuds/Cinnamon_Anemone
Summary: What do you do when you’re secretly a teenage superhero and you’re worried your best friend’s mom is going to figure it out and ground you? Start fake-dating your supervillain archnemesis/high school crush and use him as your cover story, obviously.(For the record, I really, really wanted to make the title of this fic "YOU ARE BEING SUMMoned TO ROACH PROM." Not sure if that would have been better or worse.)





	It's Not Gay If It's A Cover For My Secret Identity (yes it is)

**Author's Note:**

> This fulfills my A5: Pretend Couple square for the 2019 Tony Stark Bingo!

“The school called my mom again,” Rhodey informs Tony, with a resigned sigh. He flops into one of the lab’s salvaged recliners and gives Tony a reproachful look. “You didn’t show up for detention, _ again_. Which I think means you have some kind of super-detention now.”

“That sounds way more exciting than regular detention. Do you think super-detention is where they make us do the weird stuff, like scrub the bathroom grout with toothbrushes, and jog laps around the school wearing t-shirts that say ‘RULES ARE COOL’? Because, honestly, I’m getting kind of tired of pretending to do homework I didn’t pick up for classes I’m not going to go to.”

“No, super-detention is the kind of detention you get right before getting _ expelled_. Seriously, man. You can’t keep doing this. My mom won’t stop asking where the hell you keep going, and I ran out of good excuses, like, three weeks ago.”

“Yeah, you know, I’ve been thinking about that.” Tony nods thoughtfully, his unrepentant grin fading. 

“Have you been thinking about, oh, I don’t know, actually going to class? Pulling back on the Iron Man stuff and prioritizing your schoolwork? Picking up some hobbies that I _ don’t _ have to lie to my mom about?”

“I need to start dating someone,” Tony declares. 

Rhodey stares. “...Run that one by me again, T-Man.”

“It’s the perfect cover. Just tell Roberta that I’m dating someone, and she’ll think I’m spending all my free time with them. Plus, who hasn’t skipped a couple detentions to make out with their girlfriend slash boyfriend under the bleachers? That’s a thing that happens, right? I definitely remember that happening in that teen sports movie we watched when Mr. Erikson was sick.” Tony beams at Rhodey, clearly pleased as punch about his clever plan. “Teenage hormones. The one excuse no one will ever question.”

Rhodey is less impressed. “And what happens when Mom wants to meet your new girlfriend slash boyfriend, genius?”

Tony’s grin returns. “Don’t worry, Rhodey. I’ve got this handled.”

Rhodey groans and slumps down in his recliner, slapping a hand over his face. “You know what? I don’t even want to know. I hate you.”

“Will you still hate me after I show you the new upgrades I made to War Machine?”

“..._Slightly _ less,” Rhodey concedes. Tony preens.

* * *

  


“Hey, Gene. Do you want to be my fake boyfriend?”

Gene’s heart does a very undignified flip-flop in his chest before his brain takes a second pass over the question and clicks on the word ‘fake.’

He savagely reins in the intruding emotion. Making it very clear that he’s in no hurry whatsoever, Gene finishes putting his books in his locker, and then slowly turns to face Tony. He raises his eyebrows. 

“Excuse me?”

“Will you be my fake boyfriend? I need Roberta to stop asking where I am all the time, so if she thinks we’re dating, it’ll seem like I’m just hanging out with you. We already hang out a lot anyway doing research on the Rings, and she knows we’re friends, so it’s perfect.” Tony gives Gene one of those bright, easy smiles of his, and it’s as infuriatingly endearing as it always is. Gene doesn’t know whether he wants to scream or start laughing hysterically.

In the end, he does neither. “And what, exactly, does being your ‘fake boyfriend’ entail, Stark?” he asks coolly. 

“Uh… Well, it would be great if you could come over to dinner some time. You know, a meet-the-family sort of deal.” Gene struggles against the sudden, irrational urge to blurt, _ I’m already well-acquainted with your family, actually, because I’ve had your father locked up in my basement for the past ten months_. He keeps his mouth shut, obviously. But Tony, interpreting his silence and tense expression as an imminent rejection, hurries to assure Gene, “That’s it, I promise! Just the one dinner, and then you’re in the clear. Zero obligations. Totally, one hundred percent fake relationship.” Tony’s smile widens, but there’s something a little strained in it. 

_ Methinks the genius doth protest too much_, Gene thinks wryly. (He refuses to think about how the proposal worms its way into _ his _ feelings. The Mandarin has no time for such indulgences.) 

“Why not ask Pepper?” The question comes out perfectly casual, which Gene is proud of. 

Tony gives him a weird look. “Why would I ask Pepper?” 

For someone as brilliant as Tony is, he can be _ astonishingly _clueless. 

Gene shakes his head. “Sometimes I’m amazed that you can even put your pants on the right way in the morning, Stark.”

Tony grins. “Well, they do have these really helpful bright red knee patches...” He holds out a leg to demonstrate – as if Gene wasn’t already well aware of Stark’s dreadful fashion sense. “Anyway— Roberta will let more slide if I’m fake-dating a guy. She’ll want to be supportive of me being gay.”

Gene’s eyebrows lift even higher. “_Are _ you gay?”

Tony’s brow furrows, and he takes a second to consider this question, which he has, Gene is forced to conclude, somehow literally never given a single moment’s thought. “I’m not… not gay?” Tony hazards, eventually. 

“It’s called ‘bisexual,’ man,” Happy contributes, joining them by the lockers. “Have you been living under a rock your whole life?” 

Tony brightens and makes a finger-gun gesture at Happy. “Bam. There we go.”

Suddenly, Tony is engulfed by two hundred pounds of overenthusiastic basketball player and lifted at least two feet into the air. “I totally love and support you for who you are, little dude!” Happy bellows cheerfully.

“Thanks,” Tony wheezes. Gene wonders if it would be uncouth to have Happy Hogan stuffed and mounted after the Mandarin takes his rightful throne. “Breathing— would be good— soon— Happy—” Tony reminds his oafish friend, when the bear hug shows no sign of ending. 

Happy releases Tony, dashing Gene’s hopes of having an excuse to roundhouse kick the moron in the head. “You guys are gonna look so cute together!” Happy beams at them like he’s already planning the wedding. “High five!” He holds up both hands. Tony obediently slaps the offered palm; Gene doesn’t. Happy’s mood is not in any way dampened. “Catch ya later, dudes!” And then the athlete is bounding away. Off to maul sports equipment, or invade someone else’s privacy and personal space, or eat paint or something, Gene assumes. 

“So, is that a yes?”  
  
Gene sighs and turns his attention back to Tony. Starks are nothing if not stubborn. “Are you going to tell me what you’re hiding from Roberta if I agree to go along with your ridiculous cover story?”

Tony’s expression turns sheepish. So, no, then. Gene figured as much. “Is that going to be a deal-breaker?” 

Part of Gene wants to say yes, just to be petty (and certainly not because it aches to have a sham instead of the real thing), but he knows this is an opportunity to increase his influence over Stark. It’s too valuable to pass up. 

Besides. Tony is terrible at keeping secrets. If Gene lets this play out, maybe he _ will _ find out what Stark is getting up to when he disappears. 

“I’ll think about it.” He injects a little haughty disdain into his tone, to keep Stark on his toes. 

It’s a pointless effort: based on the way Tony smiles at him, he’s already taken that as a yes. “Thanks, Gene! You’re the best!” 

Gene rolls his eyes.

  
  


* * *

“You picked _ Gene? _”

“Yeah? What’s wrong with Gene? He’s my friend, he’s hot, and we already hang out a lot anyway. He’s perfect. No one will question it. What’s your problem with Gene, anyway?”

“He’s…” Rhodey frowns, and bounces a tennis ball off the wall. “I don’t know. There’s just something about him, man. I don’t trust him. And he agreed? He didn’t want anything from you? I’m not gonna find out you owe a favor to the triads a couple months down the line, am I?”

Tony throws a cheeto at Rhodey’s head. “Cut it out. You know he’s sensitive about that. And no, he didn’t want anything. Sometimes friends help each other out just because they’re friends, _ James_.” Another cheeto goes flying. “Not like you’d know anything about that.”

“Oh, yeah? That’s how you’re playing this? I’ll show you _ friends_,” Rhodey growls. He tries to snatch the bag of cheetos away from Tony, which leads to a brief scuffle that ends in both of them laughing and covered in cheeto dust. Rhodey has successfully stuck a cheeto in Tony’s ear, which Tony removes and then tries, with less success, to shove into Rhodey’s mouth. 

“Boys!” Roberta’s voice echoes up the stairs. “Leaving in three minutes! Don’t forget your gloves and hats, there’s sleet in the forecast.”

“Okay, mom! Be right down!” Rhodey calls back. Tony drops a cheeto down the back of his shirt. “Ah! Quit it, you weirdo.” Rhodey stuffs the rumpled cheeto bag into a drawer, and then, grinning, ruffles his orange-tinted fingers through Tony’s hair. 

“Asshole!” Tony laughs, darting out of reach.

“You love it, don’t lie. Put your coat on, I don’t want to miss the movie. And, just for the record? I still think this dating thing is a mistake.”

“_Fake _ dating,” Tony corrects. “And it’ll be fine. You’ll see. Gene will have my back.”

Rhodey gives Tony an assessing look as he pulls on his hat. “Hmm. You could have asked Pepper, at least.”

Tony frowns. “Gene said that too. Why does everyone think I should have asked Pepper?” 

Rhodey sighs and casts his eyes up to the ceiling as if praying for patience. 

“Tony, for a genius, you can really be an idiot sometimes.”

Tony gives an indignant huff. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“...Forget it. Come on, let’s get downstairs. Mom’s waiting for us.”


End file.
